27 July 2011

and all of it will happen again

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A man goes to see his doctor about a pain in his abdomen, the doctor says, "hmm, let's get you admitted to hospital for tests". The tests come back and the doctor says to the man, "Sir, it appears you have pancreatitis"

Ba-dum-tish! Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all night.

What, you don't think that's funny? Neither did I at 11am this morning.

"Excuse me sir," I said to my surgeon, "but I must have misheard you. It sounded like you said that I 'have pancreatitis', present tense, as opposed to 'had pancreatitis', past tense. You know, the pancreatitis that I had for three months of agonising pain that was finally and absolutely 99.99% cured by the major surgery that you yourself performed on me just over eight weeks ago. That pancreatitis."

"No," he said, "not that pancreatitis, that was in the base of your pancreas. This is in the head of your pancreas. This is a completely new pancreatitis."


So, what does this all mean? Basically everything that can be done medically to treat and prevent pancreatitis including major surgery has been done, and I still got a second attack four months after the first, all of which is very, very unusual. There is still no explanation for any of it, and on the basis of when you eliminate the impossible whatever remains must be the truth, we're getting close to deciding that I was stung by a scorpion or two sometime in February. There is nothing more that can be done at this stage, and I can look forward to a long life ahead of multiple painful episodes occurring with unfortunate regularity. All that we can do is figure out an appropriate pain regime to deal with them when they happen.

Double-plus Yay!

As Professor Farnsworth would say, "Good news, everyone!"



At 11:55 pm, Blogger lusciousblopster said...

not in fact yay. in fact poo. worse than the last couple of minutes of Battlestar Galactica in fact. much, much worse.

this. is. not. good. it is, in fact, fracked. alas.

At 11:33 am, Anonymous Niall said...

WHAT THE FUCK??????!!!!!!!??????

At 11:45 am, Blogger Unkie Dave said...

@Niall, well said sir, well said.

@lusciousblopster, it is poo, it is even more fracked than the Alberta Tar Sands, but nothing, I say again nothing, is as bad as the last couple of minutes of Battlesta Gallactica.

Get some perspective.

At 11:31 pm, Blogger g man said...

argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. keep strong and take care, love Garret.

At 5:50 am, Blogger Tadhg said...

So sorry to hear this, it fucking sucks.

I fervently hope things get better for you.


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