15 July 2008

Let's all meet up in the year 2000

I have discovered a time machine, and honest-to-god working time machine. While I was hoping for something along the lines of a flying DeLorean, this one comes in the slightly less glamorous guise of a Boeing 757, and unlike the DeLorean only appears capable of going back to the year 2000.

In 2000 I had been beaten up by riot police in Prague, quit my job as a Sales Manager for a telecoms company, did some marketing for an ecological conference and went to a few outdoor parties over the summer. The Very Understanding Girlfriend and I were living in a basement apartment with a Newgrange-like approach to natural light, and Bob the Builder was the Christmas Number 1. Good times, Good times.

Just not particularly a year I am in a hurry to get back to.

I think that the purpose of time travel is to put right what once went wrong (not to woo women, that's language. Using time travel to woo women invariably ends up with you becoming your own father, and nobody wants that to happen). When I look back at the year 2000 nothing really went wrong for me, so there's nothing on a personal level that I would change. The amount of interest that would be earned on an account in eight years would not be enough to set me up for any substantial period of time, so financial gain is not really an option without trying to memorise lotto numbers or going down the bookies, but according to Back To the Future II that would just lead us all into a nightmare world where everything looks like Las Vegas in the early 80's, and nobody looks good in corduroy.

I suppose I could go and hang around a few Florida polling booths and ask people to double check who they voted for (not Pat Buchanan, no? Are you sure? Are you really sure?), but with the diabolic machinations of the Republican Party to contend with I'm not sure what difference one person could make. Unless that person was the Secretary of State of Florida. Or on the Supreme Court. But to be in either position it would be necessary to travel back to an much earlier point in time and start a long and distinguished legal career (or be a friend of the Governor), and my time machine only goes back to 2000.

So no meddling with the space-time continuum for me.

"How is this all possible, Unkie Dave?", I hear you cry, "and why have we not heard about this machine before? Have you got a job with Steorn?"

No, my friends, its all much simpler than that, for tomorrow I fly to Ethiopia, where they have the same flagrant disregard for the Gregorian Calendar that the Bush administration has for the Constitution. Ethiopia has its own calender, often called the Ge'ez calendar, and for reasons too complicated to explain (apparently due to a difference of opinion over the exact date of the Annunciation) it is now the closing months of the year 2000. I wonder if the Y2K scam was as successful there as it was the first time round ("no, seriously, that fact that nothing happened anywhere in the world shows that all our safeguards worked..." ).

I'll be there for a couple of days, during which time blog posts will become slightly less frequent, but hopefully the pictures that eventually accompany them will be better.

I wonder if there will be hoverboards.


At 2:20 pm, Blogger Kate said...

When you see 2000 could you ask it where I left my faithful chilchood yellow teddy? I lost it somewhere between houses that year and it has great sentimental value.

Thank you and safe travelling.


PS if you see Kirsty MacColl, tell her to try skiing this year.

At 2:20 pm, Blogger otilia said...

Great blog, Dave!
A little video response for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61ThRHYFQvU


At 2:25 pm, Blogger Unkie Dave said...

@Otilia - thanks!

@kate - yellow card! seriously bad taste over poor Kirsty - save it for Christmas time.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Older Posts... ...Newer Posts